.tied up.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

christmas.

christmas this year was pretty gloomy.
there wasn't the same excitement i had years before.
so many things have changed.
so many people are different.
i am different.
at least i think so.
i realised my life's been rather hectic.
i look at all the youths,
and i sigh.
i don't know half of them as much i used too.
i don't know the other half at all.
it's quite sad.
i really miss esther, joanna, pam, mark, timmy, joshua, melanie, pris... everyone.
i used to be so comfortable with everyone.
now i feel a little detached.
what has gone wrong?
busy-ness can kill.
kill relationships.
kill friendships.
i miss my brother like crazy.
i miss talking to my parents.
i've got missed feeling towards the coming year.
i want it to come. soon.
so i can restart my life all over.
but yet, i want to live in 04.
so i won't have to face the same fears i faced this year.
and even worst.
05 is such an uncertain year.
mist covers my whole view of next year.
where will i be staying?
what will i be doing?
my mum's leaving.
i don't know if my dad will too.
what am i to do?
am i going to live the exact same life i lived this year?
what's my schedule next year like?
will i be able to cope with 4 subs?
can i even pass my terms?
let alone keep the 4 subs?
what about council?
what are my priorities?
worship ministry?
do i have time?
i've lost so much this year.
and i'm struggling to try and keep what little i've left.
i'm trying my hardest.
to salvage all the relationships i've left stale.
but i realised, while i plough into something,
i'm sacrificing something else.
is it worth it?
mum's leaving so soon.
and both of us can't even have a decent conversation.
dad? dad.
i say both of us are able to talk.
depends on our moods though.
if i'm tired or if he's tired.
that's the end of talking.
my brother?
i don't see him enough.
i miss him.
this year.
i felt so hopeless and helples without him by my side.
i guess i gotta grow up and deal with problems myself.
but whenever i face something,
the first person that comes to mind is you.
and all i wanna do, is just sit next to you and tell you everything.
and hopefully, you will sit next to me and advise me.
pray for me.
i've turned to other alternatives.
i just need to let out my feelings and thoughts.
and i must thank you,
jia, esther, gloria, joanna, sara, timmy, alex, lennard,
for being there to listen and sometimes give me advice.
thankyou.
without you, i really don't know if i could survive this year.
my walk with God has been quite stagnant.
in the area of worship,
God still speaks to me.
and i thank You so much for still being willing to use me as Your vessel,
even when i've drifted from You.
i know i've drifted.
but i wanna draw close to You again.
i didn't realise how big a hole i've dug,
how thick a wall i've created,
between You and me,
until around August this year.
i'm sorry.
i wished i could take a break for a while.
just to sit back.
relax and think.
christmas this year's different.
gloomy christmas.
as much as i know i should celebrate the birth of my Saviour.
there isn't much joy in me.
i thank God for saving me.
but yet, i'm not glad.
i'm happy with that knowledge of salvation.
but deep inside, i feel empty.
sometimes i wonder if even coming to ac was a right choice.
sometimes i wonder if what i did this year was right.
should i have joined canoeing?
should i have joined council?
i don't know.
but i know i've learnt alot from canoeing.
the discipline.
the sheer tenacity.
the friendships made.
treasured dearly.
i pushed myself, and achieved something i never thought i could accomplish.
ac.
i've made many pretty good friends.
but i never really loved ac in my heart.
i wonder if i've made big mistakes.
i wonder if my pride has gotten the better of me.
anyhow.
i've got to end this soon.
i've got to type out the games proposal.
sigh.
but i am thankful.
that my youth fellowship has been there for me.
even after the shaky attendance.
they still care and love me.
i thank God that i'm in amkmc.
i thank God for my old budds.
christmas day was quite weird.
the musical was nostalgic.
the service was long.
the exchange of gifts and greetings was nice but different.
went to pui yee's house.
ate.
slept.
went home.
got scolded.
went to church this morning.
mum allowed me to go shopping.
had lunch with timmy.
met karen and some wesley people.
went shopping with pam, stir, pris, celest and ethel.
bought a nice flare skirt from mango.
love it.
love the way it moves when i move.
just like my other mango rainbow skirt.
nice.
anyway. i gotta start my typing now.

will be coming up with a worship journal to jot down all my experiences and other things that will edify and build up people, and help myself grow and learn and hopefully also help others. (:

[ Jude whispered ][ 7:08 PM ]

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